Where I'm confused and pixels commit suicide

Caught between 2 roads... 2 people

2011-07-29T13:30:00.000-07:00

In short I think halfway through my "on/off" relationship with a woman from Trinidad & Tobago ( long distance ) which ended about 6 years ago from now and having dealt with almost everything anyone could do to emotionally abuse you in a relationship. Thinking back of it now I was probably having a hard time letting go of this person because I was younge/dumb and addicted to the euphoric feeling and saw her as an escape from this country and a reason to keep moving from place to place since this is embedded in me since childhood. So......... when I finally got over this I unawarely closed the chapter of believing in long distance relationships. After having a big dosis of failure in this relationship... I was fed up with it! Tired of being upset and not being able to atleast throw water or cake made out of shit in her in person... ( unless i'd mail through fedex and pay extra for the service to throw ) <<< this was just not going anywhere... I got over it but I had to find the pieces to built me up again. It was only a year after this break up with < the name who we shall not mention> and I started dating a woman from Canada. Like I said... I was "unawarely" fed up with long distance + she was a crazy woman once again. I had ended this dating after she flew to Holland to meet me anyway... even when I said no ( another lesson learned ) < this end however didnt upset me. I simply put just moved on after I picked up the alarm bells of her personallety. During this year I was also very unserious and just leading the life of a single person. I broke my colarbone during this break up with moose. My school year sucked cause i broke it during my examsAnd Myspace was the place for me to start spending some of my free time chatting up with friends and people from allover the world with mutual interests in certain topics or music. My turning point was that oneday during this rehabilitation I wanted to go outside for a walk.. with my arm in a mitella I went outside for a LONG long LONnngggg walk... A Surinam-Javanese skater guy came nextto me on his long board... He asked me what happened with my arm.. and then I noticed he had bandage around his waist... and I asked him what happened to him... hence the reason he rode nextto me on his long board for an hour long during this walk. At the end of our walk the topic was " love" he despite I looked like shit and wore a Mitella for my broken colarbone... wanted to ask me out on a date. I said Yes ( dont ask me why ) I explained him that I just got out of a relationship; and that I realise as you grow older you grow more numb for emotions... he looked shocked - and in my mind I realised i sounded really bittered about "love", He told me then after a few mins of silence that whatever I felt then was probably not really the " love" he knows. He told me that whatever those people did to me or told me wasnt really love and that I probably haven't felt the real mutual thing yet. It was during this time when I met a younge lady who I shall call "A" she was bisexual exotic and living in the same city as me. We met on myspace ( we were bound to meet ) And during this time I also met "B" a girl the same age as "A" they were both 17 and turning 18 that year. "B" lived in Trinidad ....yup.... the T-word came back without asking for it. I wrote allot of blogs on myspace and also poems; "B" was a bisexual girl and single and I guess also emotionally looking for something just like me... she saw my poems about how I wish I could have a gf of my own and how I would give my world to her if I ever met her. Because "B" reacted to it and started a internet friendship with me ofcourse we had 1 big topic that was always spoken about " My time in trinidad with < you know who's name we shall not mention > "
We spoke about the places I was and went to and she told me more about her country and what she studied there.

We added eachother on myspace as friends... and while scrolling through her myspace profile I stumbled across a comment from a beautiful looking girl named "C" lol.... I realise I'm alphabetical now ABC... anywayyyyzzz

"C" struck me like lightning.. pretty stupid to some people right. I thought she was beautiful eventhough I had never met her. And so I added her anyway... to friends on myspace that is. And oneday "B" and I were chatting and B explained that a girl from her school was going through my profile and that she was scared that C would somehow find out the link between her being Bisexual. Anyway I commented C and since then C and B got closer and C and me as well.

Allot of Drama happened between me and B after we cut our mutual contact to some extend after some unpleasant finger pointing. C however continued her contact with me.

Let me get to the point. I liked C back then, I thought she was a very attractive girl from the pictures I saw of her and she was weird... I'm intrigued by "weird" she wrote stories I read them I was hooked and curious why she wrote like that what went on in her head or her life... something someone would do if they like someone. Who was I fooling ? I saw C as a potential gf but her single bachelor behaviour made me believe nothing serious could ever happen. I saw all these people evolving her life... I couldnt imagine me between it.. I just wouldnt match.. I did not see that as a reality but more a fantasy. I realise now that I've always despite me being fed up with long distance I tried asking her how she felt about long distance relationships; she simply threw me a honest answer: "No that doesnt work for me... how can you like someone without meeting them in person" I was ANGRY for about 3 seconds then sad for a day then asked her again and got the same answer and I just remained her friend but at the sametime going extremely in denial about the fact that I had a fantasy of having a life with her. At the sametime "A" who lived in my city wanted to meet up ... So we met up and this was like a date since it was our first internet meeting and we didnt know what to expect.. so we covered all of it...good clothing...nice restaurant... what could go wrong ?

I emmidiatly liked "A" because our first date was so interesting... we couldnt shut up... we were the last to leave the restaurant. I knew then that my contact with "A" would go really long. I thought she was very interesting smart and give me a good feeling to be around her. I was still pretty fucked by my Ex eventhough it had ended... "A" had the ability to get through to me and bring me back in touch with reality.. the years after that we spend as lovers "A" was my rock through everything. She supported me helped me and loved me and made cut ties with even on a friendship... Oneday this epic fail called me while I was with "A"... epic fail realised I had a gf so she flirted with me tried to make me laugh. This failed since the moment I hung up "A" gave me a choice: You cut ties with her or you end the relationship with me, it's a matter of respecting me as your woman. We got into a huge argument as this all happened while waiting hours in line for our friend James to get his Fame ( which never happened ) at Idols. When "A" gave me the choice.. I got pissed... me ? letting go of ?!?! Why can't I have some kind of contact with this ?!?! A matter of respect ?! ... Something I didnt understand at that moment while being in line... Something I was confronted with and sacrifise ment really nothing to me then. Untill "A" stepped out of line told James our legs were sore for this shit line and 2 people in line we accidently bumped into got mad. We had a very shitty day from there on... Took a taxi home and James went to idols Alone.

I chose to cut my friendship with and told "A". From there on it was all so much more serious. I felt stability in my life and future.. and a life partner someone who annoyed the shit out of me with her attitude and intelligence... but she cared a great deal about me.. knocked sense into me... made me grow up in somany ways. And taught me the principles of a healthy relationship. She also taught me to love myself more. Even to the ones closest to me like my parents. She taught me to stand above any destructive behaviour.. and showed me how beautiful I am. In the first year of our relationship "A" said a line me to me that I will never forget; she said that she doesn't understand how anyone could have ever treated me so badly; when to her she said i am so beautiful, she told me that whatever they did to me was based on their own misery.. and to from now on be aware of people that are negative about me arent right at all but that that says more about them then me.

From this line on and year I loved "A" and was grateful for her being in my life. I let go of all negative things apart from a few ..but I grew out of it now. I could only Love "A" from the bottom of my heart and have a great deal of respect for her. There is such comfurt in her presence I finally felt howmuch fun it is and how nice it is to have a mutual love. I never felt rejected I felt untouchable with her. We fixed everything together and over the years grew strong together. if one of us couldnt do it... the other would do it. We were a power team. I would consider her truely an angel a gift... and a reward to keep going in life. "A" was pure in somany ways. She dedicated herself to me 200% and she made sacrifices for me due to our sexuality. It wasnt easy on her when her family is against 2 woman being together. She decided eventhough it hurted her to take all the hits just as long as she can be with me. After many years of disapproval by her family .. her family has now accepted us.

But this last year was a horrible year for me and "A" despite the acceptance of her sexuality by her family. I feel like an ass hole but I have grown to love "A" as a friend more then a lover. And it only confirmed me that this strong love was perhaps a mixture between between friendship great care and a hint of romance... When C came back into my life after years of internet friendship. C and me both changed allot and grew up.

C and me spoke everyday online.. eventually started to act as if we were lovers. Calling eachother everyday... and then oneday both of us were busy a few days and we started to miss eachother terribly... And I had never missed someone so much in my entire life. C brought feelings up in me that were very passionate. Very loving... I felt Euphoric when she oneday told me she loved me and wished things were different.

This went on for a long while and our feelings grew stronger. It just kept growing and eventually I realised this would oneday have to end. Because its not healthy for my relationship or fair for "A" or myself. But the truth is that C and A to me both felt like they were what you can call.. "soulmates".

I do realize a difference now with C I feel everything I want to feel and I was kind of aware that I had always liked C. But I continued with A because I absolutely didnt see C and me as a reality. It was like I said a Fantasy never to come true. I did not think or ever see this happen or thought it worth to break up a happy home like and and "A". And because C lived in Trinidad and far away from where I am... +she was wild and I just didnt think that those things would work out anymore.. especially after getting a rejection from her before "A" years ago. I didnt Think that things would evolve so intensely.

"A" is a beautiful person... and I wish I turn things right and give her what she deserves. But I realise I stepped into the relationship with feelings for someone else that I considered a Fantasy. I sometimes wish C would have cut ties with me... Because I know nobody else in the world would be a reason for me and "A" to part. "C" makes me feel passion and love and chemistry and lust... it's not fair to continue with "A" when I have all these feelings for C.

"C" makes me feel the real deal... Love passion everything; Im crazy about her... the way I feel for her has made my life chaos and painful. Yet when I met her in person I felt the happiest I have ever felt in my whole life.

I will always miss you

2011-05-06T13:36:00.000-07:00

Someone very special to me has ended her relationship with me after 4 years and knowing each other 5 years intensely.... Why ? Well life has its mysterious ways of screwing you over sometimes.

In our case somewhere along the line we ( especially me ) let society and their opinions determine our life together. We had some problems as we were 2 woman and not a straight relationship. My ex's her mom had a big problem with us at the start. She was never hateful but brought allot of stress on my ex and because I care about her a huge amount even back then; the stress found it's way to me.

We did not sleep together for 2 years because of this stress. Stress that my simply couldn't afford with her intense studies and mine. Everything was secret... and yeah we did not have a place of our own in the start. Somewhere were we could literally be ourselves.

I grew apart from her... but not much ( I only recently realized ). Hence the reason why I am so hurt, hurt that comes from within myself knowing if I had perhaps pushed us more into being ourselves that things would never have to come this far. I'm hurt knowing my angel is hurt.. I'm hurt because I love her so deeply but have to let her go never the less. I'm hurt because nobody understands... I'm hurt because my entire life with her is gone. We did everything together and in a way despite I let society get to me.. I've lived every moment with her like a married couple. We had plans to live together, get married, have children, grow old together... I was always loving this future, and still do.

But because I grew apart from her the only fair thing to do is to let her go.. and have someone that can love her even more. I'm torn....

I miss her and our ways... our life
Knowing her she will never talk to me again... she always said she can't be friends with her ex. I'm always hoping that she might change her mind over this.. as I did not deliberately hurt her... nobody in our relationship is too blame. But then again... maybe she needs someone to blame in order to move on. But I know myself that I wish I could choose. If I could I would turn back time and make things run smoother.... I would have got us a house sooner.. and not let this linger and go on the way it did.

Sadly there is no such thing as a time machine.... despite I like to dream about how I can make things better. I can't... and I need to accept present and learn from it once again.

I don't care what anyone says, or thinks about me... all I know is I LOVE her so much. and it hurts me so much.. I wish I could take the pain she needs to carry from me growing apart... so that i can carry it for her and let her become happy again.

I feel guilty, but at the same time I can't acknowledge it... what can I really do about it ? I'm so torn i'm crying everyday... missing her.

I want to just take the train run to her house hug her and scream at her how much I love her. But I know I can't do that because it would not be fair to let her get her hopes off... I know that probably when we have a relationship again just for the sake of how I feel and she feels... I would still not be able to give her what she deserves...

I'm just emotionally torn.. twisted and screwed.. either way it doesn't work. And hurting is inevitable.

She to me was complete "calm" in the chaos of my life. She was my rock and someone who truly loved me maturely passionately for the first time and showed me how love is supposed to be. The other people who always said to loved me before her were frankly a waste of time...well perhaps lessons. But my angel left me.. before I would hurt her more by taking her for granted....

I feel 3/4 of me is gone... and i'm thrown back on my own again... something literally sworn away with her. I check her Facebook statuses and I see she's being strong and brave ... just like I know her. I know behind those statuses she's carrying a huge amount of pain. But she is being exactly like I know her over the years, strong and a fighter.. with pride. She's outlived so many hurtful things in her life so many struggles I can only admire her and respect her.

Something tells me she will one day feel the joy of someone who's feelings will not change for her... someone who doesn't give a fuck about what society thinks ( the stage I reached too late with her ) I'm sure she will be happy one day... and I can't wait for that day... despite I will miss her as my woman. I grant her it all... she out of all the people in the world deserves it; and i'm saying this out of the goodness of my heart.. I know her life and her struggles and her capabilities...

My life is not nice right now... I miss her company with everything. She made me laugh and so happy. We used to enjoy our lives in a way where we were never boring... every time we could we would undertake things together go to places go out dine and count our blessings. Everything of that is gone now... And I feel lost in the world. I've also lost a bunch of friends because they simply don't understand that growing apart is also part of life.. I understand where they come from though. Before this happened to me and my angel, I was also skeptical about it. Now that it has happened to me my view on people who divorce or couples that break up for different reasons has greatly changed. I don't wish this upon any one...

It's important I find my own life back now, make my own friends again. Keep my mind and life busy. I need to cry it all out, and despite many people believe that in a break up theres only 1 person who hurts... I'm living proof that it can hurt 2 people just as much.
But life will not wait for me, it will go on... mother nature that is... she is never considerate of us. But yet we love her... because we understand that is how she is... and we don't rebel. We all grow up knowing this fact... and we don't all grow up knowing love's mysterious ways.

I'll always miss her

...............

2011-03-27T13:47:00.000-07:00

FUCK ME!

"It's Genetic - Nonsense"

2011-02-21T12:02:00.000-08:00

( Perhaps filled with typo's a passionately written preparation on a debate about "genes" being the ultimate reason behind things. I studied Psychology and strongly disagreed and still think that everything is a bigger picture and not as black and white as some results give out. I really do believe everything in life is connected and influenced the other in some way )

Everyone gets born without an Identity, you're born in complete nakedness and innocence, yet somehow something more powerful then genes have already affected you. And that is the world around you at it's present time and even the history you never witnessed. And yet somehow it has been installed into you and will be the taste of you're future....if you either become someone that needs to struggle through life, fight for things, or rely on others and have it easier then the rest. You already had the taste since you were born..

Through all the information we get media parents friends news papers other information sources what an authority figure tells us
( example: Mil gram Obedience + Stanford prison experiment )

... some tests there’s this roaring lesson that plays on the background. I came to realize my grandpa was trying to explain me was to acquire as much as I could in the game of monopoly, I took all his money build hotels and made sure he had to spend his last fake money on me... and I became really good at it. I could not stand losing and he deliberately cheated on me and it made me tempered to the point where I slightly raised my voice... He smacked his glass down so hard then his drink spilled over the bills and over my houses and hotels and he said: Now it all goes back into the box, all those houses and hotels... all those railways and electricity companies... all that property; and all that wonderful money, Now it all goes back in the box... None of it was really yours ?, You got all heated up about it for a while; but the truth is it was around long before you sat down at the board, and it will be here after i'm gone AND after your gone, players come players go... houses and cars, titles and clothes; even your body, Cause the fact is that everything I clutch and consume and torch is going to go back inside the box and I will lose it all and so will you.

So I started to ask myself till now when I've got the ultimate promotion when I’ve made the ultimate purchase in whatever I want when I've bought my ultimate home when you've stored up financial security and climbed the ladder of success to reach the ultimate comedian to the highest mountain you could possibly climb it... and the thrill wears off... and it WILL wear off. Then what ?................................ How far do I have to walk down that road me you or anyone to see where it leads ? Surely you understand that it will never be enough. So I have to ask myself this question "what matters ?" Materialism and mindless consumption ? It's what we grow up in... the wars the food the way were being brought up to work our asses off. But I don't think it's necessarily right just because time and humanity made it that way.... In fact I know it isn't . There is no free society. We are like a bunch of ants walking a long track we were suppose to walk... sometimes some will stray off this road but eventually will not survive or get back in line, because we have an system we simply can't turn around... we cannot walk the earth without taking part at some point of this system. There are some important lessons we can learn from our history... and some of it simply says: THIS SHIT'S GOT TO GO! Because when people are being told that the earth is flat by some figures everyone tends to follow... but good grace where they dead wrong!..

The reason why adopted babies despite they don't remember being given away have the fear of being abandoned embedded deep in their personality for the rest of their life.
The reason why men are protective over woman and dominant because of evolution.
The reason men have a hard time accepting a lesbian relationship...because their entire function and role over evolution suddenly means nothing... in an indirect way.
The reason why slavery brought forth a cheating breed of men and macho culture, all due to slavery.
The reason why the generation of people born after the hunger winter in Holland grew up sickly...
The reason why dark skinned people live in a world where light skin color is the essence of beauty and the darker the lower the self esteem...
The reason why Hitler suddenly had so much influence on the choices and evilness people are capable to do all due to poverty.
Etc etc etc
destructive moments in history has been so influenced environmentally that cultures think a certain way behave a certain way. Environment is the main ingredient .... and to say murderers and diseases are all "genetic" is total bullocks and a praise some wise men once spoke out of their ass.

Example:
Breast cancer for example only 7 will carry the cancer and 93 will not. We have breast cancer cells in us but that does not mean we will get cancer. And out of a 100 woman who do have the genes to get breast cancer will not even get it.

Another example:
They recently found out that ADHD isn't genetically determined but determined by a certain food pattern, and that genes can be changed by going on a diet.

One of the biggest lies and views on things that many people do is think

"Oh, thats genetic; Genes are things we cannot change, genes are inevitable so you might as well not waste your energy on fixing things on yourself or someone else so let’s just leave out society because... it's genetic"

what a load of crap...
"Heart disease, cancer, strokes, mental health conditions, addictions these are none of them genetically determined. Which might be a shock to allot of people."

Behavior:
To say that violence is genetic and say all we can do is lock them up because they can’t change or even execute them… and to completely forget about the social environment and social pre conditions that may actually influence our genes and lead people to become violent because that’s “irrelevant” is so ignorant to say… and such a lie… because our environment influences us SO MUCH! Obviously.
We ignore the essential influence on our genes by blaming it on our wiring system when in fact all the research and psychological tests done that proof that environment has the greater influence is simply brushed off…they give so much value.

Example:
Reason why someone is suicidal or violent is not genetic or inherited behavior in fact when you dig deep enough you'll always find an indication of violence or abuse in their youth. so that was never genetic either but another environmental influence on the genes.. and another proof that genes transform and never stay the same... in fact anatomicly our body exists out of a bunch of molecules constantly on the move and a giant factory of people men woman and hermaphrodites who repair replace and get rid based on environmental influence ... So all these graduated professors and doctors and other people who studied 1 direction in life and have a position to post modules and models into our school books teaching us things THEY think are ALL that explanation and we should all just follow that - I think not.. Everything is bigger then an actual picture and connected and entwined and sewed and glued together and there are many elements around us that cause our entire existence and they are entirely being left out.

The constant debate about Doctors knowing more about our body than Psychologists and that Psychologists know nothing more than just thoughts thoughts and thoughts... and think too much is PURE GOLDEN LAYERED BULLSHIT .... Because the BRAIN is our Ultimate organ the entire captain who decides everything over our transformations cells nerves and what we do and what we will do and did... The heart is nothing more then the engine and pomp who feeds the second organ... our brain that makes it possible for us to even debate and write and study and work and be human and in fact the brain is the reason why our anatomic body parts even WORK and move... so lets all start taking Psychology more serious and do something with it... because the entire world is evolving around Psychology.

WAKE UP!

If you despite all the created roads we are forced to walk upon, there are still a few people that come out of it pure, despite the compromise of participating... gosh I need a drink... If you do come out of it just being you.. then your officially a: Rare Person - The chosen one - Peter Pan - A super Hero

Bill Hicks - Forgiveness

2011-02-02T08:21:00.000-08:00

One of his more serious performances with a touch of insanity in his laughter... talk about a comedian who understands how fucked up our worlds system is... He was absolutely truthful and epic but lost it... I wish I could have met this guy, we would share so many perceptions. RIP

Some of his Quotes:

God's love is unconditional; it is only our own illusion that we are seperate from god...the reality is we are one with god and "he" loves us.

What's gonna happen to the arms industry when we realize we are one ?!?! it's gonna fuck up the economy!

DANTE'S INFERNO including sounds of two whales mating....don't ask...

2011-02-01T13:12:00.000-08:00

I only managed to get halfway through this Proza! It's so ffin tiring thats why... even people that have english as their first language have trouble reading it. Hence the reason why it's good for me, but science says our brain stops growing at the age of 25... that sucks! but what do they mean with that ? exactly! Well let me just stay curious enough to perhaps not let my brain grow but throw away the non-important info and storing it with new. I NEED a good old english dictionairy chap!

But let me just say: THIS BOOK IS THE SHIT! it really is... It is like a very dark Bible... a journey from hell to paradise, you could say it's a journey of a man who has ALLOT of bad luck along the way...I mean shit he bumps into demons, spirits, and gets lost along the way. With a little knownledge of the art of this we can safely say this book is about the dark side of life and is full of advice and tacs on how to still reach the comedy in the end.

I'm not saying life is truely a BITCH that's why it's a comedy... every bad has an end and if you keep fighting for your purpose you will get rewarded...lets say 80% of the time...it does suck if your that other leftover 20% who doesn't get rewarded... but once again I did never do any statistical research to claim these percentages..never the less; I do tempt to say it guessing from my own expirience.