Monday, 11 June 2012

The meaning of Life...

This question is constantly on my mind and I'm aware that I'll take it to Grave. If we even knew slightly more then we know now it will only give birth to millions of other Questions. Do I believe in God ? Is a question I got asked by a older man once at a open day at church where my Primary school was going to act a play.. and I was dressed as a Sheep. I believe I was only 7 here. But the question struck me and has never left me. I would lay wake in bed and think about the stars... death... babies... the meaning of everyday rituals... and Although I was just a little girl and the questions were too immense to fully understand... I've created my first inner obsession. And as I will grow older in this timeline.. many more obsessions will come my way. I would sometimes go to Church because of school but also at other events with my Mother and Father and Brother. I also remember Praying before dinner... and at the creche where I would go to as well. As a kid you don't notice rituals untill you're confronted with a polarity against it... wether this is a question or a feeling or awareness that makes you wonder: Why are we doing this ? And as I've asked this question many times to my father or mom... I realise both their answers were different. My father really explained me about a heaven.. I liked the story.. and at the sametime The bible just never intrigued me or got to me. And eventhough my family all have their own views on Life, going to church stopped after a while. During puperty I got angry at Religion.. I thought whatever I saw on the Media but also with the Local Church concerning the girls with their clothes was just not Fair. At puberty I thought the Bible was STUPID and Ignorant... and blind.. and that everyone who believed in a God was blind to Reality. I guess Puberty became a Atheist stage of my life... I had allot of inner struggles. I was dealing with Love for the firsttime and my Sexuality and Childhood Abuse. I would often dream of a better Life on music.. and my escape was truely to come home and sit behind my bed with my headset and Radio... I read books, historical and new ones.. Story lines or informative books.. At one point I was learning how to read Ancient Egyptian Hyroglyphs at age 10. At one point I found out about Cleopatra's suicide. Cleopatra's Death was something that touched me... She was a ruler and heart winner of great powerful men. She had beauty and Charms obviously such good charms to pursued those rulers BC to completely be devoted to her. She also helped her country with those relationships. But it struck me... why Suicide ? Was life really that terrible ? to end it ? Traditionally with a Cobra bite, her suicide was somewhat Poetic even. It struck me and while trying to find where she was buried... I realized her burial place has sunken deep into the sea. Her body never found... this set me to think about life. Life was so different in that time that even relationship wise I don't think we can relate today. Was there really love ? A life with so much wars and pressure on leadership.. would eventually lead to sacrifising Life for the people... over Love or Freedom. Leadership back then was fame risky and dangerous and would eventually either dying in Battle or Brutal murder for another Greedy Follower. So her option was Suicide... but running away was not an option. Why Death over Risk ? Was it really Enough ? Was it poeticly her mind that was done with Life ? After Antonius his downfall.... her leadership was over, she chose suicide. Hmmmm... Religion in those times also promised Eternal Life after Death... Cleopatra was a strong believer of Eternal Life after Mortal Life.. as she often portrayed herself in Egoisticly Godly shape of Isis who stands for true love and care. So heres where I wondered... Was this Love ? or stagety ? What keeps us Fighting so badly over wars and Greed ? is it to be Adored ? Because without Adoration all that Fame and fighting... whats there to be Famous about ? or more special then the other ? Love ? what is it ? There was a point where I strongly believe that LOVE is truely the reason why we wake up everyday and keep going... even if we don't have it... its what we strive for! and fight for. In the end... with all the puppets and acts and rituals and slaughtering and conquering this is what it truely comes down to... Love. We work everyday to be able to LIVE... and to live is to Remain Healthy so that we can Live Long enough to Witness True Love. At the end of the day you just want to go through Shit 9-5 jobs or school partly probably out of interest to do a job but mainly to pay the bills and to come "home" where its safe where its relaxing and where you are surrounded by those you love... or hopefully a nest ready to be lived with someone you always want to share everything with. What is God now ? God at this point to me was a Hope to keep going, to receive, to get more time in the afterlife... the reward for the struggle... and to recieve LOVE... because sometimes our Lifeline was too short to find it or to Enjoy it. We humans are NOT content with our age... we want more time.. To me this raised another Question: Why here ? on earth ? Whats out there ? and whats beyond that... and why are we alone ? or are we not ? To me... I want to understand it all.. the way Life works.. also Love.. why is there so much emotion when you meet that special someone. And why does it hurt so badly ? why is there such inbalance to create balance ? and why do Big planets share the similar loneliness out there thats right here on earth... or even the cells in our bodies.. what are bacterias ? when maybe we are tiny bacterias to something else ? A greater being ?..... oh here it comes again... there's that "God" figure again. What is God anyway ? I watched Tombraider during Puberty. Because it had some egyptian elements in the Game that I played I truely loved watching the Movie and finding myself in Loner or Einzelganger Lara Croft. Here's where I learned a new way of Viewing The universe.. A qoute from William Blake. Shortly after I found his book in the library and read his many poetry shockingly smart for that time and insightfull... for instance he wrote a book about skin color, about a black boy and how he is no different then a fair skin child, but the idea of Fair being better is not a fact. However this man believed in Bigger Mysteries being Solved by understanding Little things.
To see a World in a Grain of Sand And a Heaven in a Wild Flower, Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand And Eternity in an hour.
Everything you see around you, the streets filled with people going after "Love" and all that togetherness. And all those emotions and young age to Old age and countdowns. Big cities lighting up the skies... is like a Gravity qoute I bumped into and only noticed when looking up on a Building "The earth is a round ball with a Layer of Bacterias" Still so Unique. What is God now ? God ? is not a person to me anymore... it is a greater being call it whatever you want.. it is the information we lack on such a tiny spot in the universe... God is within us... everything bigger then us is found within us... there are cells and bacterias just living on your skin alone that are entire civilisations. And you kill them and wash them off everyday and they rebuild for us in a day.. to them maybe a lifetime... you can laugh at me with this idea.. but just put yourself under a large microscope and you'd realize whatever is out there in the universe... were just a miniature of it, to think there is a cell within us called SAR 11 which we cannot look past because we simply couldn't yet.. what does that say about us ? I found this Poem who later turned out to be my favorite poems:
A Grain Of Sand If starry space no limit knows And sun succeeds to sun, There is no reason to suppose Our earth the only one. 'Mid countless constellations cast A million worlds may be, With each a God to bless or blast And steer to destiny. Just think! A million gods or so To guide each vital stream, With over all to boss the show A Deity supreme. Such magnitudes oppress my mind; From cosmic space it swings; So ultimately glad to find Relief in little things. For look! Within my hollow hand, While round the earth careens, I hold a single grain of sand And wonder what it means. Ah! If I had the eyes to see, And brain to understand, I think Life's mystery might be Solved in this grain of sand. Robert William Service
Even Robert himself does not deny the possibilities of many worlds, many life forms in this vast universe of ours. But even in this, even if every world is given its own god to watch over it, He still believes there be one Devine Deity that is over all. And with that said, maybe sometimes we allow life to get too complex, concentrating on the whole, when maybe simplification might just be the best way to answer our needs and the needs of others as we pass through this short lifetime of the flesh. Now I don't hate religious people, I can not hate a Book either. I'm wise and realize Religion is a stream people get hope from. And it is not nobodies right to take those views away from someone. What we do owe to eachother is to take care of the small and the big living things. And to go along with the flow of Life .... Feed the country with 1. Economy, 2. Politics 3. Social structures... Start from 1 and fix that first so therest can function. Thats just how our system pyramid works. You can apply this pyramid to every country with problems. Religion in my eyes is beautiful, and apart from a few lines in old testaments or books... I don't see how that truely causes the harm. It's the circumstances in which people are oppressed or living in because of the 1st and 2nd important factors before Social structures get affected are messed by Economy. The system we all become a slave too. Hmmm..... GOD whatever it is, it's partly in us isn't it ? IF there is only 1 known Universe you can conclude there are MANY many many more Universes out there. And beyond that ? we just don't know what it is yet.. I doubt we will ever know. You know why ? Cause "life" might be long yes and people come and go.. but we're not here for so long. Life ended and was extinct on earth 5 times already... and were now in the 6th extinction on progress.
Who is GOD ?
what do these Permian TImes of the Great dying and such teach us ? That nothing lasts but everything that ends has a new beginning... Life is a Circle both when our bodies turn to bone or from bone to marrow ..and ashes to snow.. new life gets born from your minirals. Life has a self cleansing system that the planet will rejuvanate and nurture again, our own skin does it too... and so does mother earth. Mars was once warmer cause the Sun was hotter, life forms were found such as Trees river beds, hence Life.. where theres water there is life. Ironically cause water is a Dead Material... and so are all the elements of Earth... Earth Fire Water Air, it's not alive they are Dead Minerals and yet together they Create energy hence Life.. I believe our Milkyway has that same purpose it dies.. but it will be useful for something else again. And so is the Universe it's part of Many more Universes being Part of a giant Vessel that is Part of More vessels.. Life is out there apart from us. It's inevitable but perhaps not intellectual, the only way living alien organisms would be Intellectual or smarter then us is whether their invironment went through many hard times or not. Our earth did, but were not here that long yet... So what is God ? God is the Unending... the Infinity behind everything... God is the End with a New Beginning. God is Infinite Life not in human forms but in all forms.. God is something that perhaps has a Bigger God were not known to yet.. Let alone the fact we can't come to agreement of what God is amongst people. God is The circle of Life the purpose for things... God is a Design of the Great Universe and whatever is beyond that ... see it as a big Body that were living in. Oneday that Body will die.. and it will be a new beginning for something Else we will Never know... because Permian Extinctions that happen every 450 Million Years will eventually stop us from expanding.. we'll have to start over, if circumstances allow us. God is being able to cut a car into pieces and bringing it back to Life with the right screws and techniques... But without science the work of God is knowing how to Bring life... as when we cut a person into pieces we will never be able to rejuvanate it.. it will be dead to us... soul-less. The elements of Life the Circumstances around us give that chance... not us.. Which is a reminder that we Humans are just a Tool Earth needs, We have a purpose... don't try to find big reasons for it... we came here to bring more enhances minerals. We contribute to a system far beyond our knownledge. But we do it anyway... because we have that Emotion called "Love" What is God ? Infinite Love... and the promiss to always be open for new discoveries and the possibility that others might be right and I'm wrong. I'm Agnostic Inlightened.

Thursday, 29 March 2012

Open end...

Twice in my life I really fell in love, those two did not work out because of them being confused and lost people and involving me into it. I hated them for it, it hurt me and I had to move on. Moving on from either them was hard for me I was always a passionate lover.. I'll give me all or nothing.

1. First Love-
The first woman I fell in love with, just was not ment to be. It took me roughly 2 years to let go of the Idea that she was not my soulmate. She was also my first love, and it was a big blow for me. It was also someone I had met on a vacation in Sri Lanka. Yup pretty far away... well thats my road. I was young just a teenager and my father is a rich man. Rich but very naive, he loved the idea of his daughter being in love for the first time. And He even took me back to see her again. Quickly I realized the difference between my life and her life was based on so much differences. Till this day I'd like to believe there was some sort of love from her towards me and it were the little things that I can tell she did love me. She was amazed that I came back for her, she also kept saying how she could never understand that I would care so much about her. I was just a teenager and she was just 18. She was going to get married to a Sri Lankan man. The step for her to leave everything behind, to be with a young girl then. And what I would have to offer would just not work. Our timing was too early and besides when I think back now also just not going to work out. To me it was young love without boundaries naive and her life was way more complicated then mine where she had more things to think about. Yes she wanted to use me to escape Sri Lanka but even now as a grown woman I can say this was a beautiful and good hearted woman, who did not mean bad. It ended where it was heading two different choices. I can say this now as a grown person... lol but back then, I acted irrational to this, but typical for my age.... "she was the one", without her there was no meaning, I believed I would never EVER fall in love like that again.

She was the first girl that made me realize I was lesbian. For the first time what I felt for a woman I immidiatly could connect with those love stories, romantic movies, the songs where they sing about love, missing someone, longing to make love to someone. I also felt heartache... and it was unbar able. But fortunately My heartach for this woman lasted really short... I think for a first love many people would be surprised how quickly I let her go when I found out she did what her family wanted, the easiest way for her.. by getting married to a man. If I was in her shoes I'd probably do the same so I can't judge and I never did even though I was a pissed off teenage girl.

This experience changed my life! I realized allot of things about myself and how it was like to love and let go of someone.

2. Being alone-
Being alone sucked but I got up everyday because I always felt there was a purpose for me. Not sure what but it kept me going through the teenage drama. I also met my first lesbian friend. She took me out to gay bars and introduced me into the gay world. She also introduced me to a site to meet more lesbian woman.

And that is where I went after chatting with a dozen butch lesbians ( which is so not my type ) I lost hope in finding a woman. I convinced myself I would be alone for the rest of my life. I know bitterrrrr but believe it or not. I found my escape into games and living on the edge. I did extreme sports like jet skiing sky diving, skiing, snowboarding etc. I was not scared of swimming in deep sea or going as fast as possible. I think at some point I was not scared of death, I felt special... which is ridiculous but what got me out of trouble is that there was never any fear... so despite I could literally ram myself to death many times with these stunts, I managed to control whatever I did very well. And If I did hurt myself I would recover quickly...

I felt emotionally untouchable and physically unbreakable. I sometimes feel I was looking for that thrill to feel alive again by adrenaline. Cause apart from usual heartache, there were also struggles in my family life. I was beaten many times, My friends were all left in Brunei where I grew up and Holland was a new place. I had trouble making friends after I felt heartbroken.. and also because im gay and struggling with that back then. I'm artistic... I'm different in so many ways, but became aware of allot of difficult things in life on a young age I felt so different from the others at my age. Too put it arrogantly, I felt ahead of time with the rest. And I needed a change. A big improvement was my Lesbian friend who started to learn me what was going to come at me as I aged. There was also Jones, a guy who was my bf... and I had sex with him. He was there for me concerning my family problems. When I realized I was gay I struggled with this and one day I told him this and he did not take it too well. There was another guy Frankie I had allot of sex with him.. he could never stop, and I used to close my eyes and think of a nice exotic woman banging me to get it over and done. One day I felt so disgusted by this I had to let yet another guy friend go... cause unlike me, he was getting feelings for me, and I just really saw nothing in him like that, he was someone that offered me friendship, and experience just to confirm to myself that I was really gay. When high school was done... the dating began.

3. Dating-
I stopped with men, I just knew that was not going to work anymore. I was absolutely certain I can only love another woman. I placed the pieces together. since a little girl... i used to adore the populair girl in class, I admired the beautiful teacher with her long hair... and as I aged I used to put my music on and dream about going on adventures ( non sexual ) with a partner... which was a woman. And eventually these dreams would lead to me falling for them.
So I tried dating a few girls... this just failed.. but then I met P. A girl from Trinidad & Tobago.

4 Heartache #2
A new person who reminded me allot of my first love, she had similar interest in my travelling and life. And was literally chasing me in a online chat room. Allot of other woman I flirted in there were already serious at meeting me... but when P came everyone started to warn me about her being a player. So I did not feel the need to talk to her much... and I think that was a challenge for her. One day I came online and explained I was feeling sick... and she tried to impress me by telling me her whole family exists out of doctors. This shit does not work for me... She even told me to give my address to her since she would fedex me medication. And I really thought that her exaggerating was a piece of art... it was almost comical. Because I thought it was funny, she knew it made me laugh and she and me joked about things like that for a while. But still I wasn't impressed. One day she asked me why I did not like her more then a friend, and I explained that for the last 2 years I felt numb on that area and that I just don't think it was in me anymore to fall in love like that anymore. I told her I said even if your pretty, I just don't fall in love with people anymore since a long time ago. She said well if I sent a picture of myself you'll fall in love with me I guarantee it. I thought this was complete bullshit and laughed. She ended up giving me her phone number and there was this pack of woman in that room that was always there and knew about her flirting about... they all listened to our convo's and just warned me and allot were also jealous of me... because of the other woman she had flirted with she dropped them like a hot rock because I was a new challenge for her.

After a week I lost interest in that chatroom... I felt terribly lonely. I missed the girl I first fell in love with. And around Christmas, I got a christmas card from her and her husbands name on it. I broke down again for the majority of the nite when I had received it.... I decided to erase her out of my life and I started to clean up all of our letters and photos. I found a piece of ripped paper with a phone number on it... I had scored a few numbers from that chatroom from woman abroad and I really did not remember who's number that was. I felt lonely and needed someone to listen to, so I just called it to ask who it was. And I called fucking lucifer! I called P. sorry...

This call changed me again, I was intrigued by her accent. But mainly howmuch she enjoyed getting my call... she was excited, and we talked for an hour long... which resulted in a painful phonebill. She told me again, you'll fall in love if I sent my picture. I said I don't think so, but I told her to sent it anyway just to proof a point. She sent me a picture of her in an office, she was dressed fashionable. And it just struck me. I guess because I secretly just wanted to fall in love badly. My heart felt ready again and it was lonely.. and she was determined to get me to fall inlove. This change resulted in allot of travelling back and forth between countries, allot of arguments, allot of jealousy, and years of heartache because P. stopped being loving to me as soon as she realized she had me. She became oddly cold, and mean with her words. Unlike my first love, P was allot more pain. Apart from being hurt over and over again. I felt like a joke in a crowd for giving my heart away to someone after I reserved it so well for 2 years. I strongly believed loving someone like I had before would just never happen... and when I did... I screwed myself again. It was just too much for me. Our flickering relationship lasted roughly officially just 3 years... but after 4 years I realized I was the second woman as she was married to a man and even had a little daughter I didn't know off. It was hidden so well from me that even her family did not bother letting me know when I openly showed my affection towards her. She and her husband lived separately, and he was also out of the country allot. I was unfamiliar with this openly cheating culture. It left me a huge scar in my persona.
This experience made me become depressed, I cried myself to sleep for almost 2 years long. My mom and Dad hated P so much they wanted to go as far as sueing her or sending the mobs for her.
I cared for P. and was scared whenever she called and my family answered and told her to leave me alone that she would never talk to me again. So I took to heart each time she told me my family were a bunch of trash people. I was already depressed and P. continued to emotionally abuse me by misleading me, insulting me and kicking me extra in my heart when I was already upset. She also made me jealous deliberately, just out of kick. She would tell me things that would upset me so she felt special about herself.

- Getting over Lucifer,
This was a long painful road, till I met A. A girl from the same city this time... I wasn't completely over Lucifer yet. But A was someone that constantly met up with me and she was super intelligent, smart, SMART is THE word for her. Here's also where I met C, a girl from Trinidad online again... she was the opposite of P. I thought C. was beautiful, and she stroke me from the first impression, I was intrigued by her fascinated and felt such a strong urge to talk to her. And I did, C and me were so alike, we were both weird geeks and different, and I just knew she was either bi or gay. C & me became good friends and emailed each other stories. C. Taught me a different side of Trinidad. I was very attracted to her, but the idea of ever going back to Trinidad was banned from my thoughts and I C. did not feel the same she was truely seeing me as a friend. I was Okay with this, although each time I spoke to her I felt that one day we would just meet and everything will fall into place the way it should be. Our contact was always there but it faded.
But A. came into my life before as a friend and we started meeting...She is liberal... and neutral.. artistic and saw all the good things in me, even though I was depressed as fuck. Finally after a long time I felt like sharing my true feelings and interests who I learned to hide for someone but just keep to myself to someone else. She hugged me thought I was beautiful and made sure to know I was gifted with many talents and that it was ok to just be ME, she told me whenever I was myself it was the prettiest person she ever saw. She explained me that she just can't understand why anyone would ever treat me bad... sure sometimes you're not the one for someone.. but there's no need to be an ass hole about it. I felt safe with A.. she took me for who i was. She was also weird funny and brought so much joy in my life. Oneday P aka Lucifer called.. when A was next to me. A. told me that she's giving me a choice that it was either her of Lucifer.

- Life with Miss A,
I made the choice to leave the past for what it is. Start a new chapter with new happiness... P. was nothing but pain and extra weight on my shoulders. P started noticing how I never contacted her again. After months of emails from her and without me responding... her emails started getting more angry. Oneday P called me again, and asked me what was wrong. I told her I have done what she always wanted me to do which was to move on and let her go, and leave her alone. P said she never ment that and that she wished things were different, she wished she could be married to me but circumstances made it impossible. I told her i needed to stop contact with her because she would only confuse me with this new person in my life who gives me so much joy. P. said sure, on a very cold way and hung up.

A. brought so much happiness to my life... she made me laugh allot and enjoy our life together so much. She made me feel like I regained all the time I wasted on those other people. We would dance in public, laugh till we cry and people would stare at our connection jealously in public. I loved sleeping with her it felt so comfortable and safe... and looking into the future with her I felt I would always have someone by my side who strongly believed in my capabilities no matter what my family did say or do or people like P did to me. I felt nothing could ever touch me... and A. told me she felt the same with me. She felt safe protected by me and she felt great knowing I would always pull her out of her shit. A. made me realize how much of myself I am willing to give away to just keep her happy and to bring a smile to her face. We were both wild in our own ways. We didn't go clubbing like most people did but we did many other things we liked. We traveled went out seen things just experienced things together and talked hours for years... till this very day.
I was with A. for almost 5 happy years. Till C. and me started talking again... I got confused. And feelings I had before started drifting up again. This time we got lost in it... This time C. felt it too and suddenly it wasn't a one-sided thing anymore... which changed everything.

It was never my intention to shame my relationship with A. who made me so happy. I respected her all these years and so did she. But when C, and me innocently started catching up on our friendship and spend more time with each other talking then we ever really did before... sometimes 3 to 4 hours a day and this sometimes slowly went to 6 hours. Our friendship was always a bit of flirting... and I never stopt doing it because It felt safe to do.. as I knew she liked me only as a friend. I thought this habbit wasnt going to lead to more serious responses but it did and I was falling in love with C.... and I absolutely hated myself for this. Because I am in a relationship for precious years... I was just waiting for C to stop... I didn't want our romance to go away while it lasted sort off. My plan was to just wait till this passes over and I would just move on cry a few tears and continue my beautiful life with A. But this shit never happened. C. oneday explained she fell in love with me and loved me, she said she had never felt like this for anyone before, never this strong. She also apologized for her bad timing.... and that she wished things were different. She also did not expect anything from my side....

So how do I deal with this ? Should I just let C go... and pretend nothing ever happened. Should I not give into my feelings ? when my happiness was there already with someone else...
I know staying with A. would be everyones advice.... even my own. But the truth is my feelings are so screwed by this, that I'm literally torn between 2 people. My relationship with A. has changed because of this. On top of that... A. was diagnosed with anxiety disorder.... and they diagnosed me with diabetes.

I feel lost although it is becoming more and more clear that my life with A. is beautiful... and happy.. but she feels my minds confused and never feels secure with me again... and all my head does is think about C. Truth is I love A. immensely much...I love her so much it also hit me like lightning... its different from C. I'm torn because this is never what I wanted... but i'm longing more and more for C. but becoming depressed from the thought of hurting someone like A. by leaving her as her partner, oneday A. told me I'd wish you'd tell me you stopped loving me.. So I could maybe move on... or maybe stop breathing.. atleast I won't hurt anymore.

How will this ever end...