This question is constantly on my mind and I'm aware that I'll take it to Grave.
If we even knew slightly more then we know now it will only give birth to millions of other Questions.
Do I believe in God ? Is a question I got asked by a older man once at a open day at church where my Primary school was going to act a play.. and I was dressed as a Sheep. I believe I was only 7 here. But the question struck me and has never left me. I would lay wake in bed and think about the stars... death... babies... the meaning of everyday rituals... and Although I was just a little girl and the questions were too immense to fully understand... I've created my first inner obsession. And as I will grow older in this timeline.. many more obsessions will come my way.
I would sometimes go to Church because of school but also at other events with my Mother and Father and Brother. I also remember Praying before dinner... and at the creche where I would go to as well. As a kid you don't notice rituals untill you're confronted with a polarity against it... wether this is a question or a feeling or awareness that makes you wonder: Why are we doing this ?
And as I've asked this question many times to my father or mom... I realise both their answers were different. My father really explained me about a heaven.. I liked the story.. and at the sametime The bible just never intrigued me or got to me. And eventhough my family all have their own views on Life, going to church stopped after a while.
During puperty I got angry at Religion.. I thought whatever I saw on the Media but also with the Local Church concerning the girls with their clothes was just not Fair. At puberty I thought the Bible was STUPID and Ignorant... and blind.. and that everyone who believed in a God was blind to Reality. I guess Puberty became a Atheist stage of my life...
I had allot of inner struggles. I was dealing with Love for the firsttime and my Sexuality and Childhood Abuse. I would often dream of a better Life on music.. and my escape was truely to come home and sit behind my bed with my headset and Radio... I read books, historical and new ones.. Story lines or informative books.. At one point I was learning how to read Ancient Egyptian Hyroglyphs at age 10. At one point I found out about Cleopatra's suicide. Cleopatra's Death was something that touched me... She was a ruler and heart winner of great powerful men. She had beauty and Charms obviously such good charms to pursued those rulers BC to completely be devoted to her. She also helped her country with those relationships. But it struck me... why Suicide ? Was life really that terrible ? to end it ? Traditionally with a Cobra bite, her suicide was somewhat Poetic even. It struck me and while trying to find where she was buried... I realized her burial place has sunken deep into the sea. Her body never found... this set me to think about life. Life was so different in that time that even relationship wise I don't think we can relate today. Was there really love ? A life with so much wars and pressure on leadership.. would eventually lead to sacrifising Life for the people... over Love or Freedom. Leadership back then was fame risky and dangerous and would eventually either dying in Battle or Brutal murder for another Greedy Follower. So her option was Suicide... but running away was not an option. Why Death over Risk ? Was it really Enough ? Was it poeticly her mind that was done with Life ? After Antonius his downfall.... her leadership was over, she chose suicide. Hmmmm...
Religion in those times also promised Eternal Life after Death... Cleopatra was a strong believer of Eternal Life after Mortal Life.. as she often portrayed herself in Egoisticly Godly shape of Isis who stands for true love and care. So heres where I wondered... Was this Love ? or stagety ? What keeps us Fighting so badly over wars and Greed ? is it to be Adored ? Because without Adoration all that Fame and fighting... whats there to be Famous about ? or more special then the other ?
Love ? what is it ? There was a point where I strongly believe that LOVE is truely the reason why we wake up everyday and keep going... even if we don't have it... its what we strive for! and fight for. In the end... with all the puppets and acts and rituals and slaughtering and conquering this is what it truely comes down to... Love. We work everyday to be able to LIVE... and to live is to Remain Healthy so that we can Live Long enough to Witness True Love. At the end of the day you just want to go through Shit 9-5 jobs or school partly probably out of interest to do a job but mainly to pay the bills and to come "home" where its safe where its relaxing and where you are surrounded by those you love... or hopefully a nest ready to be lived with someone you always want to share everything with.
What is God now ? God at this point to me was a Hope to keep going, to receive, to get more time in the afterlife... the reward for the struggle... and to recieve LOVE... because sometimes our Lifeline was too short to find it or to Enjoy it. We humans are NOT content with our age... we want more time..
To me this raised another Question: Why here ? on earth ? Whats out there ? and whats beyond that... and why are we alone ? or are we not ? To me... I want to understand it all.. the way Life works.. also Love.. why is there so much emotion when you meet that special someone. And why does it hurt so badly ? why is there such inbalance to create balance ? and why do Big planets share the similar loneliness out there thats right here on earth... or even the cells in our bodies.. what are bacterias ? when maybe we are tiny bacterias to something else ? A greater being ?..... oh here it comes again... there's that "God" figure again. What is God anyway ?
I watched Tombraider during Puberty. Because it had some egyptian elements in the Game that I played I truely loved watching the Movie and finding myself in Loner or Einzelganger Lara Croft. Here's where I learned a new way of Viewing The universe.. A qoute from William Blake. Shortly after I found his book in the library and read his many poetry shockingly smart for that time and insightfull... for instance he wrote a book about skin color, about a black boy and how he is no different then a fair skin child, but the idea of Fair being better is not a fact. However this man believed in Bigger Mysteries being Solved by understanding Little things.
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower,
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour.
Everything you see around you, the streets filled with people going after "Love" and all that togetherness. And all those emotions and young age to Old age and countdowns. Big cities lighting up the skies... is like a Gravity qoute I bumped into and only noticed when looking up on a Building "The earth is a round ball with a Layer of Bacterias" Still so Unique.
What is God now ? God ? is not a person to me anymore... it is a greater being call it whatever you want.. it is the information we lack on such a tiny spot in the universe... God is within us... everything bigger then us is found within us... there are cells and bacterias just living on your skin alone that are entire civilisations. And you kill them and wash them off everyday and they rebuild for us in a day.. to them maybe a lifetime... you can laugh at me with this idea.. but just put yourself under a large microscope and you'd realize whatever is out there in the universe... were just a miniature of it, to think there is a cell within us called SAR 11 which we cannot look past because we simply couldn't yet.. what does that say about us ?
I found this Poem who later turned out to be my favorite poems:
A Grain Of Sand
If starry space no limit knows
And sun succeeds to sun,
There is no reason to suppose
Our earth the only one.
'Mid countless constellations cast
A million worlds may be,
With each a God to bless or blast
And steer to destiny.
Just think! A million gods or so
To guide each vital stream,
With over all to boss the show
A Deity supreme.
Such magnitudes oppress my mind;
From cosmic space it swings;
So ultimately glad to find
Relief in little things.
For look! Within my hollow hand,
While round the earth careens,
I hold a single grain of sand
And wonder what it means.
Ah! If I had the eyes to see,
And brain to understand,
I think Life's mystery might be
Solved in this grain of sand.
Robert William Service
Even Robert himself does not deny the possibilities of many worlds, many life forms in this vast universe of ours. But even in this, even if every world is given its own god to watch over it, He still believes there be one Devine Deity that is over all. And with that said, maybe sometimes we allow life to get too complex, concentrating on the whole, when maybe simplification might just be the best way to answer our needs and the needs of others as we pass through this short lifetime of the flesh.
Now I don't hate religious people, I can not hate a Book either. I'm wise and realize Religion is a stream people get hope from. And it is not nobodies right to take those views away from someone. What we do owe to eachother is to take care of the small and the big living things. And to go along with the flow of Life .... Feed the country with 1. Economy, 2. Politics 3. Social structures... Start from 1 and fix that first so therest can function. Thats just how our system pyramid works. You can apply this pyramid to every country with problems. Religion in my eyes is beautiful, and apart from a few lines in old testaments or books... I don't see how that truely causes the harm. It's the circumstances in which people are oppressed or living in because of the 1st and 2nd important factors before Social structures get affected are messed by Economy. The system we all become a slave too.
Hmmm..... GOD whatever it is, it's partly in us isn't it ?
IF there is only 1 known Universe you can conclude there are MANY many many more Universes out there. And beyond that ? we just don't know what it is yet.. I doubt we will ever know. You know why ? Cause "life" might be long yes and people come and go.. but we're not here for so long. Life ended and was extinct on earth 5 times already... and were now in the 6th extinction on progress.
Who is GOD ?
what do these Permian TImes of the Great dying and such teach us ? That nothing lasts but everything that ends has a new beginning...
Life is a Circle both when our bodies turn to bone or from bone to marrow ..and ashes to snow.. new life gets born from your minirals. Life has a self cleansing system that the planet will rejuvanate and nurture again, our own skin does it too... and so does mother earth. Mars was once warmer cause the Sun was hotter, life forms were found such as Trees river beds, hence Life.. where theres water there is life. Ironically cause water is a Dead Material... and so are all the elements of Earth... Earth Fire Water Air, it's not alive they are Dead Minerals and yet together they Create energy hence Life.. I believe our Milkyway has that same purpose it dies.. but it will be useful for something else again. And so is the Universe it's part of Many more Universes being Part of a giant Vessel that is Part of More vessels.. Life is out there apart from us. It's inevitable but perhaps not intellectual, the only way living alien organisms would be Intellectual or smarter then us is whether their invironment went through many hard times or not. Our earth did, but were not here that long yet... So what is God ? God is the Unending... the Infinity behind everything... God is the End with a New Beginning. God is Infinite Life not in human forms but in all forms.. God is something that perhaps has a Bigger God were not known to yet.. Let alone the fact we can't come to agreement of what God is amongst people.
God is The circle of Life the purpose for things... God is a Design of the Great Universe and whatever is beyond that ... see it as a big Body that were living in. Oneday that Body will die.. and it will be a new beginning for something Else we will Never know... because Permian Extinctions that happen every 450 Million Years will eventually stop us from expanding.. we'll have to start over, if circumstances allow us.
God is being able to cut a car into pieces and bringing it back to Life with the right screws and techniques... But without science the work of God is knowing how to Bring life... as when we cut a person into pieces we will never be able to rejuvanate it.. it will be dead to us... soul-less. The elements of Life the Circumstances around us give that chance... not us.. Which is a reminder that we Humans are just a Tool Earth needs, We have a purpose... don't try to find big reasons for it... we came here to bring more enhances minerals. We contribute to a system far beyond our knownledge. But we do it anyway... because we have that Emotion called "Love"
What is God ? Infinite Love... and the promiss to always be open for new discoveries and the possibility that others might be right and I'm wrong. I'm Agnostic Inlightened.
